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Also, wanted to post a kudos to @belladonna for her hard work with the letos. Thanks for making the time to get to them. Much like FaeFae above, these OOC things can be just as important as the awesome events and great stories.

Been watching all of the Jojo's Bizzare Adventure series lately. They're very good, and I'll admit I severely underestimated the entertainment, comedy, and just plain fun that that series has.

Also, despite what many say, I thoroughly enjoyed Kabaneri of the Iron Fortress.

Just been listening to tons of Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix myself lately.

Want to post a quick thank you to FaeFae here. Not for any particular event or anything, but she has always been quick to hop DM-side to help players with any kind of problem. From needing a relevel to a full-on rebuild to getting someone unstuck or helping me with my terrible memory, FaeFae has been awesome at seeing the players' non-rp needs taken care of as well as their rp needs.

Give her some love, everyone, and the rest of the staff as well. You guys do a rocking job.

Congratulations, Fae! It's good that you're prioritizing your rest, and I hope all goes well. Do we know yet if it's a boy or girl and have you thought of names?

Hey everyone,

So I started teaching this week - which I've mentioned a ton because it's super exciting - but that means that during the week my play times will be much more limited over the coming months. Some of you may have already noticed this.

I will still try to be on for at least an hour or two daily (mostly late in the evenings EST) and on the weekends I should have a bit more time (also likely in the evenings), but many of you are aware that teaching is a job that extends well beyond the classroom, and I teach at a Title 1 school so there's a lot of extra work I have to do for the students and limited resources to work with.

Anyway, just wanted everyone to know where I'm at and what I'm up to.

Keep being awesome, y'all!

Good luck, man. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Aug 8, 2016 22:50:59 GMT -5 FaeFae said:

If you have more than one stick of ram, try alternating / removing them to see if that fixes the problem.

Fae is right. What you're describing can actually be caused by bad RAM. Make sure you test different configurations for the RAM in order to figure out which stick is bad or if more than one is. If you rule out RAM as the problem, then I'm afraid you may be right that it's the mobo.

Any idea what did her in?

No worries, man. Take care of the rl stuff. We'll all still be here when you have more time, I'm sure.

Happy birthday! And many more.

I know it may be cliche, but more and more recently I keep hearing this song in my head when I play Voss (helps that we recently watched Supernatural from the beginning, I think).

Anyway, I think this is more suitable to his temperament now than the others I've posted for him. Oh, and if you haven't watched Supernatural, it's awesome!

Big thanks to onivel for the great job he did on destinysdesire's item request for the dove that Voss carved. I was deeply touched that the player even wanted something like this, and to see how onivel brought the rp to life with the item he made for Alestra gave me a surge of pride and gratefulness.

So big thanks to onivel and the DM team not just for the big events but also for the little things that can mean so very much for the focus they bring to those special moments in a character's life.

destinysdesire  has been doing an awesome job lately with Alestra. This is a character that came out of nowhere for both myself as a player and Voss as a character with her openness and serenity. The two characters have interacted a few times now, and I have found each interaction more enjoyable and more intriguing than the last. Truly a great character piloted by an excellent roleplayer, and I encourage anyone who has not yet to go out of your way to meet Alestra.

Also, just wanted to thank all those players who have been going out of their way lately to rp with me despite issues they had with me in the past. I know for a lot of you it's not something easy to do, and I truly do appreciate you taking the chance on me again. In particular, thanks to whangdoodle, sornduskryn , onivel , Arya Kalarathri , and enarian123  for all the rp over the last few days.

Jul 31, 2016 13:11:58 GMT -5 kothoses said:

So, I have had literally 0 experience of either side of this discussion.  Maybe I missed it cos for the last year or so I havent been able to play much who knows.

I will say this, NWN servers are goldfish bowls made out of magnifying glasses.  You will get all kinds of people here, from the hugely overly sensitive Tumblr types to the massive dickweasel 4chan types.    Because of the fishbowl nature you have to treat playing here like you would working in an office in some ways.  You dont have to like everyone you work with, you do however have to remain civil with them, that is a given, that is basic stuff, I only mention it because I am going to lean on the office analogy quite heavily, but first I need to bring another one in.

The second is the snowflake effect that happens on the internet, everyone is the star of their own little drama in nwn and part of the mindset for being able to do that requires that people put a little bit of them selves into it.  So what does this have to do with anything, well what it means is between the Goldfish bowl magnifying everything that comes into it, and the fact that people are invested on an emotional level here, their attachment to their avatar or their OOC personal even is multiplied beyond what it would be to say a PnP character. So  this means when people are emotionally invested but they are exploring and expressing that through a medium that removes oral communication cues, and removes body language cues, leaving only text, as a result that text is read in to a LOT harder.

So, essentially if I read this right, and again, I am not part of any events that happened before that I know of.  You went to the office party, had a dump on the photocopier, called the bosses wife a whore and told your colleagues to go fuck them selves, smashed a few PCs and then flipped them off as you left for home.   Now you start by saying you want to repair any damage that was done, well, you are going to have to do a better job of owning it mate.

Firstly Don't try and give "mitigation" in an apology, when you mitigate an apology you take away from its effectiveness.  No one that you have to apologise to cares about the reasons behind your actions or mitigating factors AT THIS STAGE.    If you know you fucked up and you want to try and repair that then start by showing that, without caveats because when you caveat it, what you are saying is "Im sorry, but I dont want you to blame me" no, if you have to apologise then you are to blame, suck it up for now.  Yes there are three sides to every story but at this stage you are the one who is coming forward so don't half bake it, because then it just looks like you either dont mean it, or you are trying to bait people into "Taking their share" which is not the way to do it, go all in, look back and realise that you made mistakes and lern from it but also understand that when you mess up, mitigating factors only matter in determining the extent of any penalties that result from the actions.

Secondly, once you own it fully own it and not just say you do but actually decide that you do, then you can start rebuilding.  Portioning out blame or giving your self a safety net not only takes away from the power of an apology but it also stops you from being able to learn and grow from the experience.  Until you honestly sit there and look at it not from the perspective of "What lead me to this" But "How can I get past this" you wont be able to.   The power in an apology is that it shows people you understand that what you did was detrimental to them, yes, it leaves you vulnerable because you have to be for it to have any effect, you are in essence taking a part of you and rebuilding it after all.  So stop trying to mitigate it, I dont know what transpired, I am sure from your point of view there is a whole other side to it, there are factors and people that pushed you to it, but you are the one seeking some measure of forgiveness and eventual reciprocity on your efforts.

People add background information to give their statements of apology or argument more gravitas when its not needed, your personal situation is your own, I am glad its getting better, but it neither excuses nor validates anything, its the same for everyone, we all have our perceptions and those are our reality.  


Finally, understand that an apology only has the power the peoples its offered to let it have.  Some people wont accept it, you wont be able to rebuild friendships with people all the time, all you can do in those scenarios is live and let live,  you dont have to be friends with everyone here, but you do have to be able to co-exist.  Your focus needs to be on showing that, dont try too hard, just let it come in its own time.

Some people will keep you at arms length, accept that, others may try and give you a hand, accept that too.  In time, if you actually take my advice and genuinely own your mistakes, you will find other people will at the very least gain an amount of civil respect for you, and though they wont forget, or in some cases even forgive past mistakes, they will move on.

Finally, for everyone, this is a game, its not the hunger games, there is no life or death prize, Dont put too much emotion into it even if it is your escape from the reality, keep a bit of perspective on life when you log in and log out.

Like I said, I wasnt involved in the Original dramas, so I have no opinion on that, this is just a bit of advice to try and help you get past it.  

Own your mistakes, without reservation, celebrate your success' in just the same way.


Now if you will excuse me, I am normally known for shit posting and trolling people, so I am going to go get back to that.

You know, this is probably the most helpful thing posted here, and I guess I never really considered things that way (and I guess it lends credence and explains why so many find my words disingenuous). You're right. This isn't about how I feel about what happened or where other people may be used as a justification for what I did.

I honestly thought that using this thread to reply to - specifically - each person who posted was respectful and the best way to get to a quick resolution...but that was dumb and arrogant.

Look, I'm not going to reply here anymore. I'm not going to try to explain things from my perspective like I've been doing because he's right. That's not an apology. I'm...not really good at this, but I am honestly sorry for turning even this platform into something that it really shouldn't be.

I won't edit any of the previous posts I've made because...well, to be honest there are a lot of them, and also they should stay there as a reminder and example of the behavior that I've had in the past that hurt so many. I can't promise I can be someone I'm not...so some people may continue to be really uncomfortable around me. However, I can promise to be more aware of others' feelings going forward and to take steps to preserve those feelings as much as possible.

I'm sorry everyone. Not just those who were hurt by me, but to the whole community of this server. I've embarrassed myself time and again, hurt many of you time and again, and I've made excuses time and again. I'm going to try to stay here and play here - to have fun with those who want to with me and not to ruin the fun of those who don't. If I can't accomplish either of those things and the general consensus is that CD is a better place without me.

As this is my last post, I'm going to make it personal:

@belladonna : You tried your best for a long time with me. As a friend I was judgmental and unfair to you and selfish to demand so much of your time and attention. As a player I belittled you and your position even while I begged for more time with your characters and rping with you. You didn't deserve that, and you really didn't deserve what I said to you before we left in skype. Things may never be right between us, but if you can I'd like you to remember how things were at the start. When we had fun rping together and laughing together, and I want to thank you for all the help and encouragement you offered me in regards to my career. Without those words, I never would have had the courage to be a teacher. Thank you for having been my friend, and I'm sorry I didn't deserve it.

Edge : Your rp is awesome and your plot was some of the most fun I've ever had. So fun, in fact, that I got addicted to it and wanted more and more and more like a spoiled child. I didn't care that you were working your butt off and had barely any game time. You're an awesome guy - if a little quirky - and you also didn't deserve the treatment I gave you before we left - or leading up to that. I'm sorry I let my selfishness get in the way of being a good friend and a decent person, and thank you for putting up with it as long as you did. I know that I hurt you worse than you'll ever be able to say, and nobody deserves such disrespect as that which I gave you.

Fire Wraith : You and I really never saw eye-to-eye and I was constantly antagonistic and confrontational towards you...and yet after I posted this thread you were the first person to send me a tell in game and tell me that life's too short to hold grudges and you were glad to see me back. You're not perfect, but I've been too critical of you for too long. You've accomplished something incredible here with CD along with your fellow admins, and even though I'm probably just another 'problem player' like so many you've seen come and go you still left the door open for me to return when I left. I was the rudest to you out of all the admins, and you had the most reason to make sure I could never come back, but you still had enough faith in me to allow me to start playing here again. I have no idea why, but thank you. You're a better man than I ever treated you as, and a better one than me.

ladybug : I know that a lot of things between us made your life a living hell. I never really got to know you well, but I probably got to know you better than you would let most, and then I hurt you. I'm glad for the fun times we had on skype and glad you took a chance on CD and got interested. I hope that my behavior can be nothing more than a stepping stone for you, and that you continue to have fun here and be awesome. I'm sorry I didn't treat you better.

Vincent07 : Vince, you've always been a friend to me, and I've continuously put you in a bad position of having to choose between being an admin and being a friend. I've been kinder and more respectful to you than those mentioned above because we resonate on a lot of things, but I've still caused you a lot of grief and annoyance. Thanks for trying so hard in my regard, and I will do my best not to put you in those kinds of positions anymore.

realityjumper : You're a sweetheart, and I wish I'd taken the time to get to know you better before I started being a jerk to you. I judged your rp and your characters harshly just because it's different from my own, and I disparaged you and made fun of you because of how you avoided confrontation. I didn't consider your circumstances or situation and I made CD a very uncomfortable place for you. I'm glad we've been talking, and I hope I'm easing some of the pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for making you feel the way you've felt and for - quite literally - endangering your health. I come from a very conflict-oriented background and family, and I was never really taught how to deal with these kinds of situations like you can. That's no excuse for my behavior, though, and I can only promise that you won't be victim to it anymore. Keep being awesome, and I'm sorry for ruining your fun for so long.

Nokteronoth : I've just honestly been super critical of you for a very long time. I've let rumor and the words of others dictate my reactions to you more often than my own experiences. Never really got to know you at all, but I judged you harshly regardless. I'm sorry for being so suspicious of you and for hurting so many of your friends.

Misty : You're kind of tied in to nokteronoth. I never got to know you, but I'd already made judgments about you before I even tried based on what I'd heard from other, unreliable sources. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance, and I know I don't deserve a second one myself. Please continue to have fun and play here, and don't let my presence take that from you. I will try my best to be more comfortable for you and your friends to be around.

Nevermore : I hope things are going well for you, and I'm sorry for all the pain and stress I caused you. I never really got the full story, but I was told that it was a combination of things I said in the DM chat, In-character, and OOC to yourself and friends of yours. I haven't seen you in-game recently, and I hope you aren't staying away because of me. If so, please return. I will give you your space IC and OOC and do whatever I can to help you be comfortable and find fun again. I'm sorry my abrasive nature hurt you so much, and more sorry that I created so much stress for you in my mad dash to try to resolve things. I didn't consider your situation, your time, or your feelings, and that is inexcusable.

valiea987: Things started out so well for us. I'm not sure of everything I may have done to hurt you, but I think much of it came from my time as a DM. I recall we had some disputes about lore, but I don't remember the exact arguments. I'm sorry that I came off as dismissive or arrogant in those conversations. I can be very standoffish, and some of the time I get so convicted of my opinions that I become blind to what's really important. That's no excuse, but I'm aware of the harm that's caused now, and I intend to do all that I can moving forward to make sure it isn't an issue again. You didn't deserve that disrespect, and I hope that with time and this apology you'll feel better about playing.

Not Batman : We've never really gotten along, and to be honest that's mostly due to the impression I was given of you from dom101  who is now banned. Before I ever met you, I was given screenshots and logs of behavior between you and some players who aren't even here anymore in the past and was told you regularly harassed other players (particularly females) both IC and OOC and that you left the server for a time because you'd been reprimanded by the admins for it. I don't know how much of that is true, but at the time it really colored all my dealings with you. I've always found our communication with one another to be difficult - likely due to the fact that we're a lot of like. We're both confrontational people who don't like to see injustice or unfair treatment - and certainly don't like to be the victim of it. I'm sorry for pre-judging you based on the words of someone I should've known better than to trust, and I'm sorry for the many times I dealt discourteously with you in our disagreements. I don't expect forgiveness, and to be honest I don't deserve it, but going forward I will make every attempt to accommodate your desires in the game world. Whether they be for me to avoid you in all ways or for me to simply be more aware of your feelings in both my rp and our OOC interactions. You were right in your posts above that thus far in the thread I've made excuses and given reasons to avoid the consequences of my actions, and I'm sorry for doing that as well. I know you don't believe it was unintentional, but this is honestly a first for me, and I'm not very good at the whole apologizing thing.

Arya Kalarathri : I've said snarky and mean things about you behind your back to your friends, and I've participated in some pretty mean-spirited conversations about your rp. You never really seemed bothered by this, but even so it wasn't fair to treat you that way. You're cool to be around, you've got a lot of imagination, and you always go out of your way to involve others where and when you can. I've been a let less cruel to you than some others, but I'm sorry nonetheless. I haven't treated you with the respect you deserved either IC or OOC.

whitespirit : We haven't interacted much, but I've been told a lot about you. Primarily, I was told you don't handle confrontation or conflict well and that it causes you a great deal of stress. I'm sorry that I've created this whole mess on the server. I know it has probably made it very difficult for you to log on and play. I was never unkind or disrespectful to you directly, but my actions hurt you all the same because I was thoughtless. I hope that as I move forward and try to fix things, I can give you back some of what I've taken from you.

theshobit : We've talked one time on skype, and I think I may have said something that offended you. But besides that, you - like many - suffered my disparaging remarks about your ability to DM, your roleplay, and even your outfit designs. I've mocked you and probably humiliated you and just made things unfun for you at one time or another. I'm sorry for being such a child. There's no excuse for it, and I hope in time we can move past that.

enarian123 : I hated your guts for so long with pretty much no reason for it. Again, I heard things about you when I first started playing here and let that color my entire perception of you. All it took was a couple times in-character where my characters felt poorly about yours for me to pretty much decide I didn't like you as a player. It wasn't fair to do that to you, and it caused a lot of problems between us. Recently, we've been rping together more, and I've really been enjoying it. Elf is nothing like I expected, and you as a player are nothing like I had assumed. Still, if you weren't aware of the wrong I've done you, now you know. You like all the others deserve much better from me - more respect and less bullshit - and I hope we can continue to interact moving forward so that I can give you that respect.

FaeFae : We had great fun when you first came to the server, and then a lot of stuff happened IC that got taken out of character. We used to talk often on skype, and you even made such great artwork for me and my characters. Nobody is perfect, though, and we had our issues OOC that lasted a while and got really ugly. I don't think anybody was happy on any side of those issues, but ultimately you were the one who felt forced to leave because of the way I treated you. I'm sorry I made you feel that way and allowed that to happen. I know you still want nothing to do with me either IC or OOC and I understand why. I hope with time, though, you'll become comfortable with things again. I'd like to start talking OOC again on skype like we used to, I'd love to have more art from you, and I miss getting to know your characters and make stories with you. I'm truly sorry that I treated you so poorly.

Remmy : You were part and parcel of the above issues mentioned. I dealt pretty harshly with you in our OOC interactions and you deserve better than that. I recognize now how poorly I handled those conversations and situation and how childish I was when you were just trying to make things better for everyone. I'm sorry for that, and I hope one day we'll be able to rp together again and have fun without the drama or the OOC problems. I know it will take time, but I will work towards that for the sake of both you and FaeFae.

Darvins : I addressed some of the things I did to you in the earlier post, but again here I judged you harshly on your rp, took things that happened IC out of character, and I never really bothered to make an attempt to amend things with you or clarify things or even talk to you even when I knew there was a problem. I hope you can forgive me and that we can move forward and keep rping with one another.

threeguesses : Pretty much the same as above. I judged you as a player based off of the actions of one of your characters, and I let words from an unreliable source color my perceptions of you both in-game and out. I do still remember that run between Voss and Rashan and the rp that happened. It was a lot of fun and very eye-opening. I hope in time you'll feel comfortable enough with me that we can enjoy such again.

I may have left some out, and if I have, I'm sorry. These are the only ones I can think of or recall at the moment who I know I upset and made uncomfortable. It's already a pretty long list as is, but if I've left you out and have made you feel poorly I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you as well. My PM box will be open from here on for those who want to deal with me on a more personal level, but besides that all I can do is give my promise that things will be better going forward and that I will work as hard as I can to undo the damage I've caused and restore comfort to all those I robbed of it before. And if it becomes apparent that there's truly nothing I can do to make most if not all of you feel better about things...then I will leave. I'm not convinced at this moment that that isn't the right thing to do, or rather I feel it may be but I don't want to because I want to believe things can get better and don't want to leave these feelings behind when I go. I'd rather not go down in the community's memory as "that jerk who made everybody feel uncomfortable and swore to the very end that he was the victim"

Thank you all for your time, your patience, and allowing me the second chance to even be here to post this.