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Hi everyone,

Not trying to be a drama queen, I swear. Just wanted to address my crankiness the other night. I also just want to give a bit about what has been going on too that I didn't (at least don't recall) telling people, or at least not everyone.

CW: CPTSD, struggles with recovery, abandonment fears

A big part of me does not want to go into this depth but I feel I owe people some context of what I have been struggling with lately in terms of here.  Tldr, it's not anyone specific, and a lot of it is me and my history.

I had as kind of glossed over, three days in a row it seemed my sleep was just disturbed and was first time in a while it was that constant since me taking my anti anxiety meds at night so I can force myself to sleep. When that happens my body feels more stressed and I've noticed lately if I lack sleep too long I get sick. It is not an excuse, and if people felt I was killing a good mood, I am deeply sorry and that part was not my intent.

What, why, etc...there is a deeper thing I feel might have affected my perception of what was going on when I went short. In summary, I had a lot of past trauma triggers but also, from 2020 to 2022, perhaps even sooner, I had some things happening to me, and unfortunately I am just going to say it: happened here, but I'll not say more than that. Who needs to know, knows, and senior staff had been informed and sooner or later it was resolved to their best ability. Suffice to say, I'm still not fully recovered. I still go to therapy for that and other things.

Part of the result of what happened was in that time frame before matters resolved I was a lot more sensitive than I already am, and while covid and communal traumas (whether ethnic, lgbtqia, etc) from ongoing in the United States may have played a part, a part of me knew things were up in a place meant to be safe(r) for me than the physical world and I was gaslit heavily on it. When one major source of it all was handled, I can say I noticed handling things, at the least things like negative comments better even if not perfect (though not anymore imperfectly than others).  One clue in all that was I was fine with feedback at work but for some reason I was not handling it best here and I've tried to do a lot to remedy that since. It was a mix of rejection sensitivity dysphoria and sensing something going on and being unable to address it, feeding a lot of things including feelings of helplessness.

For anyone who had to deal with that in that time, I don't know if my sincere apologies covers it enough. I don't know what more I need to do to make amends but I am sincerely trying, even with some stumbles on the way. All who helped me realize what was going on, a thank you is far from what I owe and I will cherish that. As Daeatria would say, "A raven does not forget slights, but nor do they forget kindnesses." 

Needless to say, some of what transpired in 2020 to 2022 has left me with a skewed perception of things. Rare for me is a day I'm not wondering if people just want me gone or spread seeds of doubt about me or my personal character behind scenes so people might eventually drive me off in different ways. Yet even with this, a part of me defaults to blaming myself and I do not want to inconvenienc anyone...

..So, life has been busy, but my latest health news, persistent hotter than usual temperatures in the state, and feelings of this and my concern the server has had a lot of yuck or negative energy lately has reinforced me not being on anymore than a few times a week. I am definitely working on things, including stuff for this server, but I know I could try to fit in a little more time here and there with effort. Sadly, I just at this point do not know what more I can do besides what I have been doing to resolve any of what has kept me down more.

Please know that I care for everyone in this community and I want what is best, even with what I have gone through here. I want to do what is best for both my fun and everyone else's. Sometimes I stumble on showing it, and sometimes I wish I did not.

Much love and peace.

Best wishes,
Arya

You will be very missed. You had been willing to listen to me when I struggled with some of my own stuff here, and you also were willing to take an extra step and voice concerns to the staff in some cases where I feared just not being heard because I just did not think I was for one reason or another. These things are not forgotten, and it will not be the same without you or Fox.

I hope we can all keep in touch, even if I understand some may pare contacts for less personal reasons.

Best,
Arya

Just echoing here Fox will be missed. She did Foxmagic, but she also was happy to setup an awesome final boss fight for a personal questline for me, and she also was willing to give me a little time on a project while I tried to get caught up on other things.  It was also appreciated to feel represented among the admin team as LGBTQIA+ and femme.

I also remember she called me sweet within a few weeks of knowing of me and I just did not think I deserved that. I remember these things, though. While there were times I certainly worried what being an admin on CD would have done, because I have seen how it has been painful on people in the past (a general statement and not specific), I think she has helped the server move forward a few more years than it would have. This is no shade on any existing admins, it is just the reality of the setup.

Personal care takes priority, though, and I respect that. I know I will not be considering picking up staff position (if I were to return) until I have my own energy and mental health accounted for in the process. Thank you again for what you have done for us.

Best,
Arya

I cannot speak for everyone, but for what it is worth, I have enjoyed playing with you, speaking with you, and if what you said is true, then I do not think you are defined by this moment. We all have done things we are not proud of, and I am certainly not exempt from such. I hope you will find fun, happiness, and enjoyment in the future if not sooner. <3

Best wishes,
Arya

I certainly am not in a position to speak for the sDMs or admins on this topic, and they are going to have their conjecture on the matter based on their knowledges, experiences, and so forth. I am only speaking on what has been what I have operated on, or learned about, in the past roughly two decades (give or take) of the elf scene on the server. This is as someone who has made an applications approved by staff and as someone in the olden days who did a lot of the major storylines in the past as a staff member (I am still on hiatus right now). It is also a case where the standards may gradually change in time as the server evolves, big storylines change the lore or add to it, and if the senior staff see the need to change restrictions based on needs to keep their vision or vibe they desire.


Best wishes,
Arya

Just going to add some notes here for consideration.

Part One:

The general description of moon elves does describe tendencies, but they are definitely not universal - though you are going to see all of what you said with them a little more than with others. It is actually a big focus of the rivalry between clans of the different elf groups, especially their noble clans. 

Still, Evereskan moon elves and some Evermeetian ones would tend as more insular because of the broader culture of their society/ies. So you will need to consider still the region of the moon elf, as that will need taken into account in combination with that general descriptor and what direction your character goes and wishes to go in response to that environment. Moon elves in the Dalelands are definitely going to be varied based on settlements and most of the Northern/Silver Marches ones are probably going to be a little more tolerant, as there are open temples of Eilistraee in proximity to them (though they would still be cautious of drow they do not know - not all are Drizzt Do'Urden).

Part Two:

The Ardeep information checks with the information from Lost Empires of Faerun that there are elves still there, though note they are not a full on civilization like they used to be when they were a vassal realm or a surviving realm of the Crown Wars. Description indicated their presence is few in this material. Elves from Waterdeep go in the forest to tend some important sites.  Melody              may be a better judge of what is going on there right now; I recall they had some Chronicle posts involving plots relevant to the area. Waterdeep is metropolitan so it could as well be that some may assume the elf was not from an elven raised family unless specified otherwise, as to why some might think of forlorn/not raised elven at the start?

I am actually confused on what is being inquired on here, the questions feels a bit awkward. 

On Homelands:

While a bit of this is not wrong as of 1372 DR up to now, the date from which we start to deviate from the timeline, I would be cautious about using the FR Wiki as the main source. I would in the future consider checking which source on there match. For instance, Spellplague never happened in this server. So anything related to that or after 1372 DR should not be used in our continuity.


Best wishes,
Arya

Backing what Cherrycoke said here, you may hear both terms but they are at this point still drow/dhaerow and not recognized as re-integrated with the elven People. While there is no never on whether this could happen, it would not be done lightly and it would require a lot of thought and some major events.

In my veteran opinion, not even speaking for admins or sDMs here, it would definitely also need to be in the hands of Eilistraeans, then maybe some of her closer allied deities of the Seldarine, as she is one of those topics that are debated among elves. More elitist groups of elves still find the idea of at least her having worshipers a myth and against the doctrine they propose that the Ilythiiri started the Crown Wars. A number of our characters in the elven faction know better, but if it was not such a controversial subject, Queen Amlaruil Moonflower would not have need to keep her attempts to find a home for Eilistraeans in Evermeet only for her most trusted people to know. Evermeet is the bastion of more insular ideas, and even their moon elves despite usual cultural trends of them have to accommodate such.

Best,
Arya

Real life first! Come back to see us again soon! Thank you for the fun quests!

Best,
Arya

Take care of yourself!


Best,
Arya

It has been a while since I did one of these, and so many of you have been wonderful, so please forgive me if I do not mention you by name because I have only had spectacular RP from all I have encountered.

acleverpun          and Silveryfeather         - I miss roleplaying with you, a lot. You had been some of my best people to roleplay with for many years on the server. You are also some of the few I can trust with collaborative roleplay and concepts. It means a lot. 

Melody           and Blackheart           - It has been nice to get a little more roleplay time with our characters here and there, and I appreciate it because I worry about my own standards and quality of roleplay. Thank you for both going out of your way to let me take initiative during events as DMs, and then encouraging some in-game initiatives for social events!

etanu           - Long time friend and it has been good roleplaying with you, as always. Daeatria does not have many people who can relate to her broken background despite what some might expect of her being noble. It also has been great to have some small social gatherings. RP has always been a gift. <3

Xaerien           - For a while we lost touch and it is nice to see you around, but also our characters to hang out a little more than they did. The event with the springs and playing truth or dare dice is a very memorable time and brought interesting character developments with another dynamic going on at the scene.

Pretzel           - Thank you for playing with me more lately! With you, and then snaer          , azure          , @wookery01, and others who I do not know their forum tags for, I have been able to show a side of Daeatria she is not always going to show, especially in the dungeon runs. It has just been nice to branch out a bit when I took a break from the document I was working on and I look forward to future encounters! Also appreciate the kindness to me. I sometimes struggle seeing good in my roleplay. Also Pretzel       , I really appreciate the roleplay you are facilitating with Arilyquess, and look forward to the in-character interactions there and also with Dessielle. One day, Daeatria will have the two have dances!

treewitch    , aliirielle , SpacePope    , aceheart     - I know we have not had a ton of time to interact much but this has been a great time when we have. The collaboration during DoM plus the recent roleplays and interactions have been a gift to me and I look forward to doing more of it in the future. Daeatria definitely, I hope, will have more reasons to interact more in the future!

Anidith   - Just want to say I appreciate you taking the time to build up on knowledge and immerse yourself in this server. I know you jumped into some very difficult lore. I also know that my own character has particular boundaries, and that might not always go well with others. It is appreciated when you are taking it in-character!

Zireael           and @ogden, as well as Anden Pilasto    - Thank you all for some of the more regular roleplay and interactions I did not initially have. The dream beach party was rather fantastic fun! It was also hilarious to see Daniel tell Daeatria to visit him in his dream anytime and her retort to that, and the fun with @goosebolton as well with it all. I am curious to see further interactions with them all!

lordi          , morena          , thorien           - Thank you for all the roleplay with the Durothil characters between all of my own. I also have been enjoying the roleplay between Kanitae, Kallo, and Vanael. I know that some events had led to them not talking to eachother as much lately but I look forward to it all again. She has been a good person to bring out to help people immerse in the setting's history and lore, especially as she had lived through some of the events and has the knowledge to back. Thorien has been a long time friend of mine and I appreciate maintaining the friendship and continued friendship with everyone else.

ladybug       , hitetsu       , and Edge      and trylobyte     - Everytime we roleplay is a gift. I wish we could do it more but I know timezones and player groups shift with an ebb and flow. Either way, I look forward to when we can play again.  I especially appreciate the interactions with Alyrae and co even when Daeatria sometimes facepalms over the pineapple dropping!

nr       , Dorca       , asaluteto        ...many more I am not tagging to protect confidentiality, but you belong in the Zhentarim or the drow group that I had interacted with so if you fit here, this means you, too - I have many more I want to tag here but can only feel safe to tag you three on this because you are the only three I know people out-of-characterly know have Zhentarim characters for sure. I had hoped to tag everyone else, too, in the faction (you know who you are). Either way, I wanted to thank you for several things. First, thank you for reaching out to me and helping me get over some fear that I was not liked or wanted in the faction, something that I internalized over the past years over events I cannot disclose. Second, I want to thank you all for making it easier for me to be in the faction, being patient with me, and for ensuring that everyone is having fun over anything else. This has not only helped me enjoy some of the roleplay when I feel up to playing evil, but it also has helped me handle in-character conflict in a healthy manner that was not historically common to this server. When I have some projects done, I really want to bring my Zhentarim agent out and connect again soon. Otherwise, I will treat every IC and OOC interaction as a gift. You all have been wholesome. I also appreciate you all having welcomed me as you have. It truly means a lot. 

Caerylia Durothil           and Eruheran           - You have all been a delight to the elf faction and are some of the big reasons why I came back to it. I was originally afraid of my lore ability and the chance to contribute, and through talking with you all, I was able to get back into things. I am going to try not to be discouraged from here. It has also been a pleasure just talking to you all outside of the game in addition to seeing your wonderful roleplay.

Hand_of_Banath          - I know you have not been around lately and it has been years since we really were able to have any meaningful roleplay, short of one or two scenes, but I still remember the awesome times that we had whether you were playing Jezra or Kaleandruil. I know it has been a time of sort, and the situation has made it hard if not impossible for our characters' arcs to align, but know that you are one of my favorite people on Neverwinter Nights. You are also one of my best online friends and I hope one day you can return, even if another character or with Kaleandruil having gotten some progress on what challenges he had before his departure from Daeatria's life. Your roleplay and storytelling is splendid, and I appreciate more importantly your ability to put up with me even when I am not my best. 

Dreamwalker          - Thank you for the surprise, but meaningful interaction with Jakinindar. Daeatria does not say it all the time, but she does often find herself feeling a lack of connection with some of the elves, and somehow her interactions with him have given her that connection. There was a lot of unplanned twists and turns, and now it feels like her story needs a bit more time to finish for final chapter, especially as she only just gotten to the point of not being too close to the line of evil. I remember playing with you when I played Mai via Rettsu, and I have been able to explore a depth to my oldest toon that I have not been able to in a long time. I appreciate it. 

Also, dare I mention you besides the Zhentarim group have been one of the first in years to have me have an in-character conflict that feels fun and substantial to a story, versus based on a pure conflict-driven style? That first few days between Daeatria and Jakinindar was awesome and I was laughing at how mean she was at some points because of her feeling offended by his goading. :-D Really appreciate the fun. 



Best wishes,
Arya

Please take care of yourself! <3 Health first, always.

Please get better.


Best,
Arya

Please take care of yourself. >.< You will be missed. Please reach out on the Discord. I know things have been rough.

Let me know what is going on when you can.


Best,
Arya

I am sorry for what is going on with you and I conveyed my sympathies already, so will keep it to that. Take the time you need. I'll cherish even keeping in touch and just dropping blurbs and off-screen interactions on Discord. You need to prioritize you. *Sends well wishes and happy thoughts.*


You are missed, but life comes first. Your loved ones come first.


Best,
Arya

Been a while. Hope things are improving in your personal and mental space and more good times come! <3 I know that the past decade has not been the best for a number of us and I just hope you are in a better place to thrive now.

Welcome back!


Best,
Arya

I know it's been a spell but rest assured to staff, I am planning to send a load of compliments via the feedback form, too!

Recently I want to thank ladybug , Edge , and nr  for the recent Abyssal adventure. The blurbs of lag aside and click-errors, it legitimately felt like we were dealing with the dangers and were seconds from storyline death or worse, especially when our group ran into the mini-boss fights and when and where. It was probably one of the few times since encountering Chloracridara in Blackheart 's one event that I really questioned my choices and I was about to get pwn3d by the mobs.

Blackheart, I know you have not run the recent posted events yet, but thank you for the storyteller events! Just from the descriptions alone, I am excited to be a part of them and see how some very ancient and obscure lore in our part of editions and timeline get fleshed out, particularly in my areas of interest.


Best,
Arya