Arya Update: 09-01-2024

[Arya]

Hi everyone,

Not trying to be a drama queen, I swear. Just wanted to address my crankiness the other night. I also just want to give a bit about what has been going on too that I didn't (at least don't recall) telling people, or at least not everyone.

CW: CPTSD, struggles with recovery, abandonment fears

A big part of me does not want to go into this depth but I feel I owe people some context of what I have been struggling with lately in terms of here.  Tldr, it's not anyone specific, and a lot of it is me and my history.

I had as kind of glossed over, three days in a row it seemed my sleep was just disturbed and was first time in a while it was that constant since me taking my anti anxiety meds at night so I can force myself to sleep. When that happens my body feels more stressed and I've noticed lately if I lack sleep too long I get sick. It is not an excuse, and if people felt I was killing a good mood, I am deeply sorry and that part was not my intent.

What, why, etc...there is a deeper thing I feel might have affected my perception of what was going on when I went short. In summary, I had a lot of past trauma triggers but also, from 2020 to 2022, perhaps even sooner, I had some things happening to me, and unfortunately I am just going to say it: happened here, but I'll not say more than that. Who needs to know, knows, and senior staff had been informed and sooner or later it was resolved to their best ability. Suffice to say, I'm still not fully recovered. I still go to therapy for that and other things.

Part of the result of what happened was in that time frame before matters resolved I was a lot more sensitive than I already am, and while covid and communal traumas (whether ethnic, lgbtqia, etc) from ongoing in the United States may have played a part, a part of me knew things were up in a place meant to be safe(r) for me than the physical world and I was gaslit heavily on it. When one major source of it all was handled, I can say I noticed handling things, at the least things like negative comments better even if not perfect (though not anymore imperfectly than others).  One clue in all that was I was fine with feedback at work but for some reason I was not handling it best here and I've tried to do a lot to remedy that since. It was a mix of rejection sensitivity dysphoria and sensing something going on and being unable to address it, feeding a lot of things including feelings of helplessness.

For anyone who had to deal with that in that time, I don't know if my sincere apologies covers it enough. I don't know what more I need to do to make amends but I am sincerely trying, even with some stumbles on the way. All who helped me realize what was going on, a thank you is far from what I owe and I will cherish that. As Daeatria would say, "A raven does not forget slights, but nor do they forget kindnesses." 

Needless to say, some of what transpired in 2020 to 2022 has left me with a skewed perception of things. Rare for me is a day I'm not wondering if people just want me gone or spread seeds of doubt about me or my personal character behind scenes so people might eventually drive me off in different ways. Yet even with this, a part of me defaults to blaming myself and I do not want to inconvenienc anyone...

..So, life has been busy, but my latest health news, persistent hotter than usual temperatures in the state, and feelings of this and my concern the server has had a lot of yuck or negative energy lately has reinforced me not being on anymore than a few times a week. I am definitely working on things, including stuff for this server, but I know I could try to fit in a little more time here and there with effort. Sadly, I just at this point do not know what more I can do besides what I have been doing to resolve any of what has kept me down more.

Please know that I care for everyone in this community and I want what is best, even with what I have gone through here. I want to do what is best for both my fun and everyone else's. Sometimes I stumble on showing it, and sometimes I wish I did not.

Much love and peace.

Best wishes,
Arya

[ceyella]

For the sake of treasured consciousness, we march.
Above those who have fallen, we march.
At the edge of our own blades, we march.
With death in sight, we march.
As we forget, we die.
As we awaken, we live.
As we dream...we are born.