Making friends and RPing while introverted

[Kymus]

I'd like some thoughts on this from folks. 

I'd characterize myself as introverted and sometimes even anti-social. I find that because of this, it makes it difficult for me to make friends in game. Most of my characters (at present) are more extroverted, but this only helps some of the time. Breaking the ice or first encounters can be challenging for me. I have - on more than one occasion - left a dungeon because I saw someone else was in it and I sort of had an internal freakout moment and was like "omgz it's a people! Must avoid the people and the talking". It's not that I don't want to talk to other players or interact with them (I play on an RP server because I like the PW and such, even if I do spend most of my time dungeoning), but that a sudden encounter can make me slightly uncomfortable because I'm not good with small talk and I don't feel confident leading a discussion (or comfortable when there are pauses in that discussion). 

I do enjoy having friends in-game (and OOG as well, obviously), and I'll yammer on and on in a post or in a PM easily, but conversing in-character can be difficult, and this natural introversion of mine doesn't exactly push me in to social situations. I've found that signing up for DM events helps some, though, so that's something.

So, I'm curious to hear from others that may have similar difficulties and see how you have gotten over OOC issues so that it doesn't limit your RP and building relationships IG and OOG (ie: in the CD community).

[Ogre Time Yay]

Hey pal, fellow anti-social here, mostly because I'm just a naturally bitter sonovabitch who usually can't keep a friend for longer than a month. I'm one of those folks who lives by himself in the middle of nowhere, lacking in any source of conversation so much that I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to hear things that aren't there, it's good times bud.

My advice to you? Just talk with people, even if you hate doing so, and do so enough for the people you're talking with to pick out every little flaw you have as a person. Then if the people you're talking to are still cool with you, roll with it, see where it goes. Every now and then I spontaneously disappear from the server with no explanation of why, or when I'm coming back, or any method of contacting me outside of the server, and somehow the group that I usually role play with on CD doesn't hate my guts yet, or at least they act like they don't. I consider that a good group to be a part of.

If that doesn't work, look for me if I'm online, I'll usually be playing as Hydaro. I -hate- -hate- -hate- Central Square of Arabel, so there's a very small chance you'll see me hanging around that area with any character, and if I am chances are I'm not going to be in a very good mood, but if I know there are people on that have nothing to do and want to go dungeon diving somewhere, I have no issue dropping by the square, scooping them up, and taking them someplace worth a damn.

[Eredruie]

Hi hello, I'm an introvert who also has the fun of being anxiety & OCD diagnosed, so my response is coloured with that. To put it into context, socialising in real life often gives me physical attacks and I spend most of my time either in my house or in the few places of routine I can cope with.

So, you can imagine the fun I have in-game meeting strangers!

I struggle to engage with new characters/people, though I do have good days and bad days. Mostly what gets me through is familiarity, routine, and trying to give people something to work with so they can make the first active move to my slightly more passive triggers (often emotes that will elicit a reaction - usually comical!). Not everyone bites (honestly I don't expect them to), but when they do it does make things easier for me to then roll the ball on some more.

I also try to OOC chat with people to break my own tension and get familiar, and I find that people are generally very easy going and friendly, so it has helped me a lot

The answer is, in my experience, to keep at it, know your weaknesses and try to be regular in challenging yourself.

[FaeFae]

I can absolutely echo the sentiments above regarding both introversion as well as anxiety associated with meeting new persons. It is a limitation of mine and the most comfortable state, even if rather lonely, is to be off on my own where I do not have concerns as to whether or not I meet the standards of others. I tend to think well of everyone if I can and I very much would love to play with each and every person on the server on a given day, get to know their stories, who they are, and so forth ... but I am easily discouraged with a fear of rejection and the ease by which misconceptions or a bad day can ruin everything. When I see someone marked Hidden in game, I immediately think they do not want to be disturbed, and I make every effort to give them space.

How have I gotten over this? Well ... I can't say I have – I still avoid folks if they're toggled to hide their location and if enough people are that status when I log in, I just go dungeon by myself for hours. I don't think poorly of them, but I think they're off doing their own thing.

What has helped? I have communicated to folks that I am shy and there's been a number who just won't let me retreat in my shell. If they're around, I get messages when I log in and I feel wonderful! We have great people on this server who, if they know you're wanting, will not let up. The fact that you made this post may even get people sending you messages to play with them. Once you get involved in stories, it is easy to go along with the habit and just play with those folks. Those people then gateway and link you to all the other people they usually prod, and soon enough you have friends.

I am the shy friend that gets grabbed by the popular extrovert and pulled onto the adventure of the lifetime.

Before too long I get comfortable talking with the people who have talked to me enough that they forget I'm shy! It works for me.

So, maybe... if you're up for it, you could post in this thread what you're looking for and the wonderful, outgoing people on this server will read it and try to give you what you want. It's a social game, so we all benefit from typing at one another. A few years ago on another server, I would log out if I so much as typoed, and would be too embarrassed to come back for hours. Ha! As long as you're well-meaning and try to be nice, the vast majority of folks will like you.




P.S. If this inspires anyone to talk to me in game, feel free. I was hiding under your porch because I love you.

[Kymus]

Feb 15, 2017 14:31:12 GMT -5 Ogre Time Yay said:

My advice to you? Just talk with people, even if you hate doing so, and do so enough for the people you're talking with to pick out every little flaw you have as a person. Then if the people you're talking to are still cool with you, roll with it, see where it goes. Every now and then I spontaneously disappear from the server with no explanation of why, or when I'm coming back, or any method of contacting me outside of the server, and somehow the group that I usually role play with on CD doesn't hate my guts yet, or at least they act like they don't. I consider that a good group to be a part of.

Yeah, I have been thinking about this myself. I know me, and I know I really can't go up and start talking to someone, but I can at least not deliberately avoid people. Especially when I bump in to them in the same dungeon, since this is someone that I could likely go out to more dungeons with because they're (more than likely) at around the same level.

If that doesn't work, look for me if I'm online, I'll usually be playing as Hydaro. I -hate- -hate- -hate- Central Square of Arabel, so there's a very small chance you'll see me hanging around that area with any character, and if I am chances are I'm not going to be in a very good mood, but if I know there are people on that have nothing to do and want to go dungeon diving somewhere, I have no issue dropping by the square, scooping them up, and taking them someplace worth a damn.

Ha! Thanks. I'll keep that in mind and probably take you up on that XD

[Arya]

So, dark secret of mine.

I am introverted. I am a social introvert, but I am introverted.

People drain me. I will be straight up about it.

However, I know that from some choice times in my life, not interacting with people for a long period of time leads to other consequences. So I do. Even if I could be happy without. It does get lonely once in a while, of course, but that is another topic. >.>

It is a lot of acting until making it. Some days, being frustrated when alone and thinking about how you need a day off - sometimes even taking that day off. Then going again. Sometimes there is struggle. Other times a lot of inner turmoil and thoughts going, "I do NOT want to deal with people today. *Groan*" There are times fighting that need to be alone leads to tears after months of frustration built up from other stressors, and desperately needing space and yet having to deal with people to have that income, tuition paid for, and the bills made and paid. Yet having to fight it anyway.

Then doing it. Moving through the suck and tolerating the suck.

In the end, realizing that people are not bad, really. You just charge your own battery when having moments to yourself.

So taking those moments is still needed, even while socializing.

It can be a comfortable, addictive moment, however, so there is the impending need to go out and do it all again.

My thoughts on the topic. :-D Without adding too much what others already said.

Sincerely,
Arya

[spamtastic1979]

My solution to the problem... make a character who loves to eat pie and walks up to people just to say hi and random things! After a while, they will like you... lol

Or stare at light posts in the square.. but if you do that too often, my character will have words with you.

[Kymus]

Feb 15, 2017 14:59:37 GMT -5 Eredruie said:

Hi hello, I'm an introvert who also has the fun of being anxiety & OCD diagnosed, so my response is coloured with that. To put it into context, socialising in real life often gives me physical attacks and I spend most of my time either in my house or in the few places of routine I can cope with.

So, you can imagine the fun I have in-game meeting strangers!

I struggle to engage with new characters/people, though I do have good days and bad days. Mostly what gets me through is familiarity, routine, and trying to give people something to work with so they can make the first active move to my slightly more passive triggers (often emotes that will elicit a reaction - usually comical!). Not everyone bites (honestly I don't expect them to), but when they do it does make things easier for me to then roll the ball on some more.

I also try to OOC chat with people to break my own tension and get familiar, and I find that people are generally very easy going and friendly, so it has helped me a lot

The answer is, in my experience, to keep at it, know your weaknesses and try to be regular in challenging yourself.

This is helpful, thank you for sharing. You're in a far worse boat than me here XD

[Kymus]

Feb 15, 2017 15:28:00 GMT -5 FaeFae said:

I can absolutely echo the sentiments above regarding both introversion as well as anxiety associated with meeting new persons. It is a limitation of mine and the most comfortable state, even if rather lonely, is to be off on my own where I do not have concerns as to whether or not I meet the standards of others. I tend to think well of everyone if I can and I very much would love to play with each and every person on the server on a given day, get to know their stories, who they are, and so forth ... but I am easily discouraged with a fear of rejection and the ease by which misconceptions or a bad day can ruin everything. When I see someone marked Hidden in game, I immediately think they do not want to be disturbed, and I make every effort to give them space.

Pshaw, you know we homies, Fae-ditty. You've done me a solid more than once and I love our extra-silly talks. <3

The fact that you made this post may even get people sending you messages to play with them. Once you get involved in stories, it is easy to go along with the habit and just play with those folks. Those people then gateway and link you to all the other people they usually prod, and soon enough you have friends.

I get you, and I think you're right on this. I just gotta meet all the cool and popular kids XD

So, maybe... if you're up for it, you could post in this thread what you're looking for and the wonderful, outgoing people on this server will read it and try to give you what you want. It's a social game, so we all benefit from typing at one another.     

I can't say that there's any specific type of person or character I'm looking to interact with. I mean, I raid dungeons a lot because treasure hunting is fun for me (being a wallflower in the square.... not so much), so that's all great. Otherwise? Yeah, no idea. I'm up for meeting and talking to everyone I guess? Haha.

P.S. If this inspires anyone to talk to me in game, feel free. I was hiding under your porch because I love you.

I'm 100% always and forever willing to go outside the porch with you Fae. We have great OOC chats anyway XD.

[Kymus]

Feb 15, 2017 18:04:05 GMT -5 Arya Kalarathri said:

However, I know that from some choice times in my life, not interacting with people for a long period of time leads to other consequences. So I do. Even if I could be happy without. It does get lonely once in a while, of course, but that is another topic. >.>

I understand in my own way. I not necessarily anti-social, but I tend to be a loner by nature and I think nothing about not leaving the house for long periods at a time. I've found that I have unintentionally allowed my OOG social circle dwindle, and so that's something else I'm working on; trying to re-expand that.

In the end, realizing that people are not bad, really. You just charge your own battery when having moments to yourself.

Certainly, and there are some times when I avoid socialization because I just don't feel like doing it. I think the key is figuring out when I need it and when I'm just being introverted and don't really need to be

[Kymus]

Feb 15, 2017 18:25:08 GMT -5 spamtastic1979 said:

My solution to the problem... make a character who loves to eat pie and walks up to people just to say hi and random things! After a while, they will like you... lol

Or stare at light posts in the square.. but if you do that too often, my character will have words with you.

*writes this down in a notebook*

Do you have any other suggestions? What if an angry dwarf shows up? With a hobbit friend and a half-orc? What then? I *need* to know!

[FaeFae]

Feb 15, 2017 21:16:09 GMT -5 Kymus said:

Feb 15, 2017 18:25:08 GMT -5 spamtastic1979 said:

My solution to the problem... make a character who loves to eat pie and walks up to people just to say hi and random things! After a while, they will like you... lol

Or stare at light posts in the square.. but if you do that too often, my character will have words with you.

*writes this down in a notebook*

Do you have any other suggestions? What if an angry dwarf shows up? With a hobbit friend and a half-orc? What then? I *need* to know!

The answer is always to drink with the dwarf.

If there's a hobbit friend, log out of LOTRO. You're playing the wrong game.

[Eredruie]

So yeah, adding to the lovely sentiment of this thread...

I sometimes play at quiet hours (hello Euro weekend mornings) during which I'm more than happy to switch chars or 'bump into' people by Ooc arrangement for some arpee, if only I get a message from people

Likewise, periodically my shadowdrunkard Shaan will stand in Central and announce an impromptu pub crawl or drinking games and pretty much anyone who wants to will be invited to join (and not necessrily in Arabel's taverns, so bumping into people is possible for non-square-lurkers!)

So yeah, quite happy to try and oocly fix meeting with people and contrive something to do/start talking about in advance if it makes anything easier! Just drop me a message here or IG if interested.

[daphne]

This might not be very helpful but...

I certainly do get in a similar way sometimes.  I may be down, feeling poorly, mopey, uncommunicative, slow...it happens to us all, and some of us more than others.  I tend to be pretty quiet in RL and it is often difficult to separate out how the outside world impacts the game world.  

I deal with it usually by doing my absolute best to subsume myself in the character I'm playing.  I do tend to play social, chatty, (hopefully) witty PCs, and if I can assume their statement of mind and presence then it becomes much easier to be interactive, inclusive, and interesting.  I usually have a bard around that I really like playing, so if a situation arises IG that calls for charming, witty, short-skirted fun I can roll out Sheighley, even if my other characters are involved in weighty, realms-threatening drama.  

This works well for me, for I find after I've played someone interactive and high-energy, I get a recharge personally and find my mood and thoughts uplifted. I'm sure this isn't for everyone, but it is great for me!