On Responsbility and Change

[Ceyella]

This is an apology - Its probably going to be long because I want to be genuine and sincere. I don't expect forgiveness, but I want to show through actions that I can change. I know this needs time.

I want to start by saying I recognize that my behavior has hurt others, and I take full accountability for that. It's been a rough past few months for me as I figure some things out. I got hit pretty hard by some very close friends, good people making it clear, I can't interact with them how I am. To me, it really made me wake up that things need to change. It was difficult to hear, but I take full responsibility for my actions and will not let resentment cloud my growth. There are things I need to work on, and be nicer to others.

It's perfectly okay if no one wants to engage with me, or be my friend. I know I have made mistakes, I have realized this and acknowledged I need to change, but that does not mean I am immune from the consequences of my actions. I understand for some people lines are crossed that can't be walked back - and I want to respect that. If someone does not want to interact with me, let me or the admins know to let me know, and I will respect this. My characters won't seek you out.



For a long time on C&D I have been belligerent. I've struggled with trust and respect, but that doesn't excuse how I've treated others. When other people did not like me - I sought to back off. Theirs a lot of people who know this, who know I respect them and dont engage. I always keep to that, but it leads to things being overly difficult and alienating. I can't shut people out because I am scared, its not fair to others. I recognize I have pushed people away. If people ever feel comfortable, I hope to rebuild trust over time. Moving forward, I will respect boundaries and communicate with more openness.

I am trying to take real action, like stopping with Saccharine - I only play her to give people T5 rarities, with a little fae spin. That to me is enhancing peoples RP, as well as helping other players. i have come to understand the RP with her was confrontational and hostile, and adjusted accordingly. If you see Saccharine around - it is not to be a bother, I don't intent to RP her in town or around, I am just taking advantage of her high lvl to help others if they need help with wards, dungeons, or the like.

I know alot of people feel I can be very petty, particularly in involving staff. This was a failure on my part to communicate, and establish boundaries properly. I've used boundaries in a way that hurt others, and I need to handle them with more care and respect. This is wrong, and I know I need to be more respectful of other players and their time or views. A good friend of mine, talked to me about this. I don't want to name them out of respect - but I do appreciate them taking the time to explain to me, and help me understand the impact that is going to DMs about things. Its bad faith, and I should try to let things develop in game organically.

I understand I get overly defensive on discord. I should stop thinking people are hostile. Its hard when alot of people are IC/OOC. I will continue working on being quieter, more thoughtful, patient and less reactive. I shouldn't let my insecurities hurt people around me. I need to treat people with respect and care in discussions and not shut people out for disagreeing with me. I want to show kindness and help others moving forward.

I am committed to changing, I cannot promise to be perfect or not make mistakes, it may take time. I am very thankful for those who have taken time to speak with me, and help me realize a change is needed. I am remorseful to those I have lost, and I know I might never be able to rebuild those friendships, but it does not mean I can't try to change and grow from the experiences of the past few months.