Life Update

[Garage Trashcan]

Just over a month ago, I left all CD-associated discord servers, including the "unofficial" ones where groups of friends would gather, without warning. My intent was to completely ghost the population and sever myself wholly from a collection of painful emotional experiences I have associated with the server in a time when my life is more difficult than it's ever been, despite its relative generosity to me. These feelings or intentions were not communicated to anyone. The next day, with some level and remorse and obligation (but still an overwhelming desire to separate), I messaged the only senior staff member I was friends on discord with to communicate my departure, staff resignation, and well-wishes as I took an indefinite break.

After this occurred, I received a large amount of support sent over Discord and Facebook to me, all of which were ignored. You all deserve better than this, and I'm deeply appreciative of your concern for my well-being. I want you all to know that there is no single person or reason that is server-related that caused this and you are not at fault. This stems from a collection of factors.

Primarily, the root of my leaving ties in to my work life becoming exponentially more stressful in this past year. What was a job that was once in a very relaxed environment with management and coworkers became a situation where we are overworked, understaffed, and every day is a feeling of insurmountable oppression as nothing we can do stops the surging tide of our workflow, with no end in sight. Morale across the team is nearly non-existent. I would spend my days distracting myself with the various Discords I was in, spending my time chatting away or checking for updates while I tried to ignore the piling of work, or hoping that nothing else would come in and I could go back to doing nothing with my day. There were times of brief reprieve, but it made the surges worse as I grew a false sense of security.  My attachment not just to CD/NWN, but to the socialization and communication provided by Discord was becoming problematic for me, and severing that provided me more "spoons" to give to my work life. It's made it a little bit easier, but only barely so as days have remained mostly the same or only gotten worse. Even the incredibly light obligation of running one DM event every two months became too much for my shoulders to bear. Either way, it was the right decision.

Beyond that, however, is a deeper issue of my own relationship with the server. Anyone who has known me long enough knows that me leaving suddenly for long periods of time is not out of the ordinary. Oftentimes, this is the result of a buildup of tension or toxicity within myself and subsequent tantrum or heated argument. I had done my best to find healthy outlets for my feelings and be more productive this time around - something I was mostly successful with, as I lasted nearly a year before separating. But I'm not here to talk about my frequent rage-quitting, as I'm only using it to provide context. Instead, my continual struggles with self-esteem and how that affects me here. Despite my tenure, but really because of it, there is always the lingering thought of my acceptance here or not. You would think my eventual inclusion on Staff would assuage these feelings, but these thoughts often lead into a self-fulfilling prophecy of me acting out and doing something I know is wrong because I feel the need to punish myself (and this extends beyond CD as well). I am not valuable, and therefore I must be self-destructive. This contrasts with the compulsion for me to feel like I have some kind of authority or my opinions should be more valued because of my veteran status, which ties with the toxicity mentioned earlier. In fact, my staff position reinforced this for myself. "I finally have a title, so now people will listen to me!" My desire to always be right, costs be damned, yet also be the helpful base of knowledge (see: perceived value). I worked a lot on this over the past year and put down a lot of arguments I knew wouldn't be worth the headache. 

My depression is the deepest it's ever been and it's been incredibly difficult to will myself to my work computer each day and no vacation I take from it is long enough. I feel like  I need months upon months of nothing but a warm blanket and my own misery are what I need. My bosses have been incredibly understanding and support all of my criticisms, but their hands are tied.

I don't know how to fix this. It hurts me, and I feel vulnerable, and I hate it. I don't understand why I can't accept my acceptance, and that maybe - just maybe - the positive turn I took helped CD or someone here. I have so much stock in the opinions of those I respect here that it is actively detrimental to me, and I feel like no amount of welcome or praise I receive remedies this. The aching of not being welcome or not belonging is persistent. I don't want this to be just another of my history of posts that are dismissed. I want you to know that I'm struggling, I'm broken, and I hate myself but love what this community has become and love that it was able to get me to enjoy actually writing again, however brief. Finding new and meaningful RP I wasn't expecting and just hanging out, chilling in dungeons.

I'm fighting through tears as I finish this. I feel lost and like my effort anywhere is lost because no matter how much I seek validation, it means nothing when it adds together, and this extends beyond just CD. I'm so grateful to those of you that gave me opportunities and became new friends and allowed me to tell stories, even though I feel insecure any time I try to express genuine gratitude.

That said, I can't say when or even if I'll feel ready to be back. I'm doing my best to show up for the plots I signed up for, which is better than I've done in the past. I've tried to be open with a few more of you when I do get online rather than ignoring all OOC communications, but part of the reason I remain distant is I don't want to once more throw a facade up to hide my pain and I never address the core issues.

The only hope I have right now is an interview I had last week for a position that would do a lot to advance my career, mere feet from my current desk (when we eventually go back to the office) and get me away from some of the sodden Hellscape we're currently in. I think the interview went well, and I was very honest with them about my current feelings and my emotional struggles in the situation, despite maybe seeming desperate to escape. I don't think I'll get it, but it was at least a nice experience and won't hear back 'til probably the end of January.

If you made it through this entire thing - thank you.

~DA~

[Nibbles]

Hey DA,

First of all I want to say that's it's incredibly brave of you to put yourself out there in the open like this. It shows a great deal of emotional maturity and definitely helps us understand where you're coming from. Being in the position that you're in is not easy, and unfortunately the best we can do is try to be there for you. I think it's fair to say that you should be proud of yourself for recognising something bad, and trying to stop it from getting worse.

Take the time you need, look after yourself. The server can continue without you, but is lesser for the lack of your presence all the same. You're always welcome, and we're always here for you - but don't let us be the crutch. You've done something you needed to do and that's the first step in improving.

This year has been hard, exceptionally hard, for a variety of reasons. So take the time you need to improve your mental health. Speak to professionals. Do whatever you need to do and know that when you feel you can return, or IF you feel you can return, let it be because you want to come back to something healthy rather than an unhealthy relationship with the server. As much as we love having you around, it's better that you take care of yourself first.

Whatever you need, we're here.

Waiting for you for when you're ready for us.

NN

[onivel]

Wow... I know it wasn't easy to write all that. I won't claim to understand fully what you are going through.  But I can say that I have been there where I felt the need to step away from it all for a while. We all want you to take care of yourself. This past year has been unprecedented and has only enhanced what has been already difficult for many. I hope things go well with this new opportunity for you. I hope you find some light at the end of the tunnel. Feel
Free to ding me on Discord or FB messenger if you just want to talk.

[DubiousScroll]

I love you buddy, do what you need to do to feel better and take all the time you need.

[Sir Ven]

DA,

The courage, honesty and self-awareness demonstrated in your post above is genuinely impressive.  Good job.    A significant portion of what you've written here resonates with me, as I suspect it will also resonate with others, particularly this year.  2020 has been extremely difficult for a lot of people, even without the added pressures of work which you've been facing.

I'm glad to hear you're actively working to look after yourself and, despite learning of the array of challenges you're facing right now, it's really nice to just hear from you.  

I hope you'll reach a point where you're able to reach back out to the community again.  When you're ready and when you want to.  In the mean time, I wish you the very best of luck.

- Ven

[Jerec]

I wish you the best of luck, DA.

Seek as much help as you need, get as much time as you need, and reach out at your own pace. You're still a friend regardless of what you might think of yourself.

Stay safe in the meantime.

- Alex.

[The Red Mage]

First of all, I understand and empathize with what you're feeling. I often feel the same way, and I've felt the same way during your absence. And, I hate that someone else feels that way in a place where they should feel comfortable and relaxed. I hope you find what you're looking for soon and come back to us. 

Secondly, you know I'm pissed for being kept on read. Boy, I ain't not "CD player". We've known each other longer than that. You better answer my texts.   


Love you. Please take care of yourself. 

First off, well written and I'm glad you had the strength to see what's necessary in your life and what has to be changed.  No doubt this year is going to throw a lot of people harsh curve balls and it's up to us to catch them, dodge, and weave through incoming ICBM's.  You've done pretty good coming out like this and I hope the future is a little brighter for you.  I hope you get that new position, chin up, man.  I hope if you do return we can Rp together, you've always been a lot of fun.  Even if our characters don't always agree.  I do most of the time.  So, good luck out there, keep your head on straight, and survive.  We'll always be around waiting for ya.

[Graveman]

Gonna miss you bro. Take the time you need to help yourself and love yourself.

[Arya]

I have not been able to respond to this sooner due to being out on the road most of the time after this was posted.

I worried about you and probably was one of those people sending messages checking in with you. As others have already said, you are very brave and strong for having put this out there. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable, even if I myself suck horribly at following that advice (lol!). This year was rough for many of us, and ...yeah. Things I thought I had resolved ten years or more ago had suddenly resurfaced, so I can definitely relate to having crippling anxiety and depression. Finding a therapist was one of the best things to happen in that regard, even if I may end up moving (more stress, right?) and may have more time before I find a good match again.

I struggle with similar feelings and I think many of us do. While, as Bella put it, I would not use the community as the be-all/end-all, please do not be afraid to come see us whenever you are ready or just want to talk. I miss you. Since being disconnected from Facebook this place was my only way to keep in touch with you. That said, I understand people needing to step back once in a while. I have been there and may be there again for all we know.

Come back to us or reach out when you are ready, friend. You are heavily missed. And I will keep telling you how awesome you are no matter what because you are worth it. <3

Best,
Arya

[JadeDragon]

I wish you all the best. Seems to me you have a lot of people that care about you. I pray you find the strength you need. <3

[Garage Trashcan]

Thank you all for your kind words. I means a lot to me to read them. I'm working on things.

I didn't end up getting the job. However, the manager called me to ask me to fill a different position on his team instead. It's lateral instead of a promotion, but told me to wrangle a compensation increase with HR. He also told me to take FMLA if I have to while I wait for the posting to go up.

[Edge]

Glad to hear you're doing a little better. We're here any time you want to vent.

[onivel]

Sorry to hear you did not get the promotion, but glad to hear they thought enough of you to make this offer for the different position. I hope things pick up for you and as always, we are here. Feel free to ding me on FB or Discord anytime.

[Arya]

Echoing what everyone else has said here. Please keep us in the loop and reach out anytime! We miss you.


Best,
Arya