How to Stop Arguing?

trylobyte · May 13, 2015, 09:10 PM

Okay, serious post time. This is something that's plagued me for years and generally had a negative impact in most games I play, especially social games like NWN. I argue with people. I naturally form opinions, build evidence to support them, and present them to people I'm talking to, then defend them; it's just something I do. It's part of how my mind works, and my co-workers would confirm I have a tendency to argue with people on the job too. The problem comes when I wind up in situations where I simply want to explain something but wind up arguing with someone I never intended to argue with... which tends to happen most often with staff. I'm sure that by now FW and Vince (Sorry, to both of you) know the danger of me wanting to 'ask a quick question' since they know what's usually going to follow it. This rarely ends well for anybody - I wind up irritating whoever I was talking to, and then I feel like a jerk for doing it. Negative feelings for everybody. So I need to change it. I need to stop it but it's something I never even realize I'm starting, and what's worse, I tend to enjoy while it's happening. But it needs to stop. I wind up pissing off too many people by doing it (myself among them) and nothing good ever comes of it.

Does anyone have any advice they could give on how to keep myself from arguing with people every time I want to state a point?

ladybug · May 13, 2015, 10:09 PM

Honestly? What's worked for me in the past is setting up stakes, even arbitrary ones that feel silly. I've worked retail for a decade - it is the best way to practice holding your tongue and not saying the comeback that needs to be said, knowing that a misstep can and probably will get you penalized in some way. Set the stakes small - "If I argue, I cannot have this soda." Or something.

Get a close friend to monitor you - I've got a friend who I told to make a really annoying beeping noise every time I swore when I was trying to retrain myself when I started teaching. Self-pavlovian training. Get a negative association with the unwanted behavior. It isn't perfect, but it can help.

Keep a notepad file open. When you want to argue, type it in there to get it out and let yourself vent...and delete it. I do this on so many forums in so many threads I know are a one-way ticket to flame wars. It helps so much.

These are all things I've tried in the past. Varying success rates, and I'm sure there are other methods out there. Best of luck!

onivel · May 14, 2015, 08:00 AM

In business.... particularly service businesses involving high net worth individuals, one can often get into situations where you want to just call them out on their stupidity...What i do is type an email ... I make sure not to address it so that it does not accidentally send....I write it all out... I'll have a trusted coworker read it as I "vent" ... and then I delete it without sending.

I've done the same here... except sometimes I have sent the message..and it usually doesn't result well when I do hit send.

lb7 · May 14, 2015, 08:04 AM

Don't forget to start your mornings off right by arguing with birds first.

suddenperihelion · May 14, 2015, 10:52 AM

May 14, 2015 8:04:13 GMT -5 lb7 said:

Don't forget to start your mornings off right by arguing with birds first.

LOL!

Nokteronoth · May 14, 2015, 11:57 AM

From my personal opinion, all that you can really do is work on your self control. Something I'm horrible at. It helps online because you can edit/delete comments sometimes.

I have trouble being a know-it-all and an argumentative asshole, so it's a bit of personal experience. What I do when I want to argue someone is just think of how I might be wrong. And argue with myself inside of my head rather than with the other person. It still comes out from time to time, but not nearly so much as it used to.

Pretty sure that won't help you, but thought I'd share.

~BR

foo · Aug 02, 2015, 11:57 PM

It helps to remember that NWN and D&D is not a game with rules so much as its a cooperative story-telling experience. Suspension of disbelief is critical. If a player doesn't interpret something in a way that is satisfactory to you, remember that the other player is also telling a story, as much as you are.