An Apology, Explanation And More

[Terallis]

(I know this is a wall and a bit of a read, but please read through if you can.)

So, been away for quite some time. Most still about who know me, having been around the server prior for quite a long while. But this thread isn't really about a return announcement or anything like that. But I should say that it may ramble on at times in all that I have to say, as opposed to giving it real segmented structure and all that. So please bear with me.

The most important part about this post, however, should come before anything. When I left, things weren't left in a great state at all; a rather horrible one at that. I had lashed out at two people over a build up of many other factors that I'll get into. If those two on staff want to chime in and make themselves known, that's fine, but I'll leave names out of the overall message here. You know who you are, at least. And to that, I want to deeply apologize for things I had said. Even through build-up and all that was going on at the time, I should never have blown up as I did, nor said the things I did. Emotional state, triggers, or otherwise, there was no excuse for me speaking in that sort of way, then, now, or any other time. So truly, I apologize for all that.

To further things, I also wish to deeply apologize to anyone I've made feel uncomfortable or similar, with any of my RP. It's never been my intent in any form to make anyone feel bad, uncomfortable, afraid, etc. I wasn't aware of how my RP was affecting people until staff reached out to me, but even still, I should've still been more self-aware of the situations and how verbal I was being with specific characters of mine. I know Rune/Alaric was the worst of it, with Eirik not far behind. I can say all I want that everything I do with the characters is entirely IC, but even IC can breach the comfort levels of those around. So, once more, I really do apologize for that.

I'd also like to apologize for the slurs that were put into my farewell post. At the time, I was already gone, but was made aware by a couple others that my post had some really horrible things said, and words put in that I'd never use. That farewell message, unlike the blow-ups I had at the two mentioned, was entirely just meant to be a way to say farewell and thank everyone for all the fun times here. Anything beyond that wasn't done by me, as I'm sure everyone was made aware of the apparent breach into the forums itself. I was not the one who said those horrible things added in that post, but it was still my own post and was likely perceived that way all the same. Staff can verify the edit was a malicious party from the breach. So I do apologize for what happened there, even if it was out of my control.

As a continuation of that breach, I'd also very much like to know if there were any others sent any messages or other posts edited or similar. Aside the two direct ones I mentioned, and the erroneously edited farewell post, there was nothing else I actually did when I was leaving the server. So if anyone was sent anything or similar, I apologize for any of that, and want to say it was very much not me to have done so.

But moving on from apologies now, I did wanna say some other things. I hadn't thought I'd actually be coming back around the server when I left. Me coming back came from a lot of deep thought, and ultimately wanting to RP and play with friends and such. Despite how things seemed before, I have no intention of causing problems or anything like that. I'm not interested in making anyone uncomfortable or anything like that, as previously said, and I'm only really just looking to play again. Even the characters that were the issue at the time, I've already since decided to tone down even more of their personalities, for the sake of enjoyment.

On the note of toning down, though, I do understand, as mentioned, that I wasn't doing things well at a point before. I had actually been working on toning down Rune, especially, over more than six months after being given a warning at the time, about things. But much as was made known at the end and now with my return, I perhaps still wasn't toning him down as much as I thought. To which I very much urge people to PLEASE just send me a message or something to let me know if something I'm doing is making anyone feel uncomfortable. It can often be difficult for me to fully grasp situations like that, especially when it comes to text stuff. So please just tell me, because I have never and will never have any intent of making problems like that for people. All that I do is IC, and that's not indicative of me as a person, OOC.

Now, getting into perhaps the reasoning for that blow-up I had at the end... I've actually kinda said much of it scattered about this post. Before I get into this, please note I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. My intention here is to be as clear and unequivocal as possible. After staff warnings, I had been trying to tone down the more aggressive RP, and with heavily correcting my own behaviour, to make sure I didn't cross any lines. Unfortunately, I began to feel as though my efforts weren't being acknowledged and didn't matter to staff and my fellow players. Now as I said before, I am not trying to make excuses- in the year or so that I've been gone I've come to terms with the fact that my emotions can get out of control, and I don't blame staff for the actions taken against me. The way I blew up was wildly inappropriate and is one of my biggest regrets in my time on this server.

To say again, all of my potential "insulting, abusive, violent, etc" sorts of things were purely IC and part of that particular character. As a player, however, knowing how that RP made others feel has me genuinely horrified and I will be refraining from engaging in that type of RP from now on. Even so, if I ever make anyone uncomfortable again, I plead that you reach out to me so we can talk about it even if it means having a staff mediator to help you feel safe reaching out to me.

To all of that, I want to say again more clearly that I'm deeply sorry for my actions. I'm well aware now of what many people think of me and I'm ashamed that it's come to this point. Please just know that I am not my characters and my characters aren't me. I want everyone to have fun and make fun stories and everything through the RP. I don't want people feeling legitimately bad and uncomfortable.

So with all that rambling, once more, I'm truly sorry for all that happened before, leading up to, and at the moment I had left. Thanks for taking the time to read through this wall, everyone, and hope to see you all in-game again. Or if you wish to keep your distance, that's fine as well.

- Terallis