Life Update

[Garage Trashcan]

I didn't get the other job, either. Someone applied with existing product and systems knowledge, and they needed a fast transition. I'm not too beat up about this since I didn't want to lock myself into another service role for a year, especially when I wouldn't be guaranteed a compensation increase. The manager told HR that I need to be notified as soon as any analyst-level jobs open up and he will keep his eyes out and the conversation open, so at least I have a mentorship out of it.

I also constructed formal feedback and a proposal essay to upper management arguing for compensation increases and better advancement plans (like Banking Officer) for my team as there's currently a rift between my team and others in similar roles who were given this opportunity, but we weren't. My bosses were impressed with what I put together and management is passing it up the ladder, but it'll be months before we see anything of it.

I wanted to let you know that I'm doing a little bit better. This week though was extraordinarily rough with work and made it very difficult for me to keep up my spirits. I'm still working on sorting through my feelings and my emotional relationship with the server is... a complex cocktail of negative emotions. I'm not sure how much of that is deserved and how much is self-imposed, but either way, waiting for them to just "go away" feels nonviable. I can't brute force things and time to heal is always needed, so I just wanted you all to know that I'm trying. Archiving my vault, uninstalling the game, and hiding it from my steam library has helped a bit in providing some more mental distance and removing the urge to check things out of habit.

[Arya]

I resonate with the complicated relationship to the community. I've been here for years and I love the place. Overshadowing it is also loving a hobby that does not always love back, people sometimes even a product of that, yet here we are. It is rough and not easy to unpack.  I am trying to develop healthier relationships with people in general and those of us facing crippling anxiety know how hard that can be. Especially when we are feeling (or even told) others have it together better and we are treated as different for not living to a realistic ideal (sometimes it is how we treat ourselves, sometimes others).

I am glad you are finding good news. Hopefully we can all be playing together again in the future, but no timeline on when or even where. You need to take care of you. Job stress is no small matter and I will say it is huge when the environment changes in your favor. Having been at a place for three years that grew more and more toxic, I know how that can strangle the spirit. I am rooting for you on wholesome change. 

You are amazing. Remember that. And missed. 

Best,
Arya

[Garage Trashcan]

Hey folks - checking in again.

My headspace has not been good lately and NWN is the primary cause of it. Me trying to force myself to find an escape here exacerbates my work stress, rather than relieving it. It was good for the first bit, but I've lost the mindfulness and empathy and become irritable and snappy again. I don't like that version of myself and none of you deserve to be subjected to it. I've pushed myself far past the point of frustration trying to find involvement again, but evolutions are too slow for my impatience and scheduling with the people I want to see most is impossible because of timezones. When one thing wasn't working out, I pushed myself to try something else and have just consistently overextended rather than finding any new footing. I need to take a step back, which means Discord as well.

If you want to chat, feel free to DM me. If you want to schedule RP, do so as well and I'll let you know if I'm feeling up to it.

Sorry for being so brief and blunt, but that's kind of all I've got right now.

[onivel]

PM coming.

[hyrulee]

Take care of yourself man. We're all here for you no matter what! <3

[Arya]

Echoing what is said here. <3 You are loved here.


Best,
Arya

[Garage Trashcan]

I don't mean to keep making these posts, but it's a bit of catharsis for me to share my thoughts, even if catharsis isn't what I need right now and might even just make things worse.

I had a pretty bad spiral the other day, and one where I hurt a bunch of people I care about. I had felt better by the next day, but that may make it look like I was callous and hand simply moved on from it without further thought. As the weekend went on, I became more aware of how my behavior over the past few weeks has been consistently negative and I've lost a lot of patience for myself and empathy for others. I acted negatively, selfishly, and without concern for how it would affect other people. I don't have a good explanation for why, nor do I have an excuse. I was so obsessed with beating up myself whenever I made a mistake, I was scaring everyone away. The greater irony this is that this was the same behavior I told someone else was problematic and made them hard to be around only a few months ago. That helped them, so let's hope it helps me, too.

To the people I hurt, "I'm sorry," doesn't cut it. I'm at a loss for words. I want to solve things immediately and move on, and me forcing that is part of the problem. I'm going to take this space to reconsider my mental state once more and hope that, in time, the pain I've caused fades. I know that, at times, that's irreparable, and a consequence I have to accept.

To those concerned for me, thank you for your love and support. I really do appreciate it and I really do appreciate all those that have listened to me recently and offered guidance (even those of you I hurt in the process). Maybe I am overreacting once again, but I need to take the time to stop beating myself up over my mistakes, including this one. Feel free to reach out with your support, but please don't ask me about any specifics with this. Talking about it has only made me feel worse and already talked to death, causing me to dwell on it. I need to reflect on and accept what I did.

[The Red Mage]

Just kill rats until you forget.

[hyrulee]

Just take your time, and take a breath. At the end of the day, it's a game and should be something you use to escape from stresses. I hope you feel better, and if you need anything all you have to do is ask. Take care man.