My apologies, but for the best

[Arya]

Hi everyone,

A lot of you know I struggle with chronic anxiety and depression, plus trauma-based conditions, and it got worse with the pandemic despite attempt at therapy (which went well, then I moved and still am waiting on insurance and a good match). On top of that, a lot of trauma that I thought resolved resurfaced especially with different situations reminding me of years of stuff I dealt with growing up and even in adult years. I will not go into more than that. As a result, I have not been the greatest and people around me deserve better. There really is just no hope for me to be a good part of this community, and I should have known better. I am too much, or I am not enough, or I am too sensitive, or too 'extreme,' or I am whatever else. It is okay for anyone who believes it...At least part of me believes it, too. Really, it is okay.

To this end, I am going to wrap up the stories I have started topside, and I am going to see how to resolve what plots I am involved player-side, and step down. In addition, I am archiving several of my characters, including Mai (who has been a joy, but I cannot play her anymore), once I figure out how to tie loose ends with what she is involved with right now or finish what she is involved with plot-wise. I owe that much. Then from there, I do not know how often I will be around because I do not feel I belong here anymore. It may not be a rational thought, but there are just some things that cannot be fixed. I am one of them. I am too broken. There were these ideas I had for my first server plot in a decade, and I was excited, but I may just pass it to someone else now.

I am sorry for any inconveniences I have caused or any harm or misgivings I have been responsible for in this community. I do not want to be stressful or a source of stress for anyone. I never did. I have been crying the past two days because I did not want things like this, but I should just accept this world has no place for people like me.

Please be well. I just want people to be happy, and to feel safe - physically and emotionally. I really care about people, even those who might have not always agreed with me.

Best wishes,
Arya

[Mystic Warden]

You are always welcome here Arya. Do not think for a moment that you do not belong here. We love you.

[hyrulee]

Hey Arya,

I hope you know despite everything you've said, you're a valued and loved member of the community. I know I've always enjoyed your company, and the RP you've contributed to Cormyr. I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now, but please don't forget that there are people here who care about you and your well being. So go easy on yourself, and take care. <3

[The Red Mage]

You've been nothing but present and kind to me all these years. I am sorry too if I'm terrible at showing it. I want to thank you for taking time out of your life to share with me, and I want to thank you for taking the time and courage to write this.

I hope you find what it is you're looking for, and I hope you begin to believe there's people here concerned and who love you.

As someone who suffers from anxiety quite a lot, depression, and serious mood swings at times, I understand.  I hope you find what you're looking for and hope that you can conquer, or at least, learn to live with it.  We're all here rooting for you.  

[thorien]

From the very first time we exchanged words, you showed nothing but kindness and understanding, and the RP we had is always remembered fondly, despite all the years that passed since then.

In a way, I can understand how your feel, leaving CD for quite a while myself. Still, I also believe that you judge yourself too harshly. We all make mistakes, pay for them, and learn from them. For me, you will remain a valuable and cherished member of this community, and even if you will decide to leave for a time or for good, your trace will remain here, with all the work you did for CD, with guides on the elven forum and, most importantly, in hearts and minds of us all.

That said, we all come here for fun and relaxation, to create awesome stories, and to experience the moments of joy and pain alike, along with our PCs. When it no longer feels satisfying or right, the best one can do is indeed to take a break. There is nothing wrong with that and you will certainly be more than welcome if you'll decide to return one day. No matter what you will decide though, remember that you are always welcome to hit me up, here, via discord, or any other channel. Stay safe and I am sending all the warm thoughts your way, hoping that the dark moment of your life will pass and become nothing more than a distant memory.

[JadeDragon]

I believe I can just repeat most of what's been said above. Ever want to just talk about things, rant, discuss anxiety strategies. Hit me up. *hug*

[Garage Trashcan]

Arya, I love you as a very dear friend. I'll be the first to say that I'm really shit at showing it and being kind to my friends is one of my biggest struggles. I'll also echo that learning to love yourself is one of the hardest things some of us will ever have to do. No matter how hard we try, some days it just feels impossible.

I want nothing more for you than for you to feel better about yourself. Do what you love because you want to do it, not because someone else expects you to. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not a strong woman because you wouldn't still be here if you weren't. Do what you need to get better and find the spark that helps you believe in yourself and reach your goals. Shit's been hard this past year. Really fucking hard. Take the time and space you need to find your zen.

And don't feel bad about needing to go, and don't let anyone guilt you about your choices, especially yourself. My relationship with CD is one of the most complex emotional cocktails and it's incredibly difficult to unpack into a way that makes any sort of sense. For a few of us old timers, that's always going to be the case. You owe us nothing and owe yourself everything, and that should be your priority until a time when you're ready to share again.

Best Wishes & dozens of cat pics,

Will

[daedalian]

Hi Arya,

Thank you for expressing the personal struggles you're having and letting us know. Though you have a whole community of friends here, it's hard sometimes, especially this past year and we get it.
We hope you take the time you need to continue healing and growing, and if that means that "you do you" as they say, then you need to do that for sure.

Though you're slowly making your exit, w want you to think about not just the negative things but all the good stuff that went on here with you, including stuff like some of your cooking dishes and writing, expressions of thought and opinions that you shared with us in game through your characters or offline. And there's probably a lot of good stuff to think about as you can be reminded from some of the posts here.

We wish you well, and remember, you have friends and family that care for you; you are not alone. We look forward to seeing you online still until you leave - but even then, we will not say good bye, but "See you later."

~ Daed and Ironmaid ~

[Valimar Dragonbane]

I can only echo what a lot of people have said so far. The self-doubt spiral is a wicked thing to try to get out of. Please take care of yourself, and know that you are loved and cared for.

[Darvins]

As said I know well the self-doubt spiral but I hope you know how much we all love you here and hpe for the day you feel able to return to us.

[DubiousScroll]

<3

[Arya]

Hi everyone,

Just throwing an update here.

I had spoken to the administration about my situation. They reached out after I brought up the prospect of stepping down and after I explained why. I am still fighting a lot of guilt and self-blame (nothing from them, promise), but I did find a therapist (finally!) and we are set to meet not this Friday but the next one in the morning, where I do not go to work the usual time. I am going to try very hard to take everyone's advice seriously here and try being gentler on myself, though it will be one of my hardest struggles when I am accustomed to living to a very certain standard and expectation (even if not realistic, it is what I have internalized).

I do not want to detail more of the spiraling into believing people were better without me, other than it was not a single thing or two, but as Fire Wraith       has rightly pointed out the other day, this has been gradual decline for me. And speaking from a not-so "political" way, it was an intersection of factors. It was going on before COVID-19 and it just hit harder this past year. He would know, we used to hang out every few months before COVID-19 hit.

My previous post was authentic in spirit even if I will not do anything too rash, in that I may end up playing some characters significantly less or some will end up archived. For now.

Alyssana has a wedding to attend, so I am hesitant to archive her right away, but I know her story is very close to wrapped up, and on a good note. So that may end up happening at some point.

Mai will still be finishing what I started with her plotwise as I indicated already, though my presence with her will be limited while I spend my game time topside to finish any active plots I am running. If I can get some elements of her story with some closure, I may be in a better place for her and can go from there.

Miyari may still end up archived even if just for a spell. Same with Kalit'yana, who I hardly play anyway.

After completing my current ongoing plots as a DM, I think I still need to take a step back, but I will have two months to do that before I have to "start over" on DMing. I may just need a few weeks after wrapping up, or may need more or less than that. We will see where my state is. I genuinely believed myself unfit to DM, and still sometimes wonder about what sort of DM I am after some recent feedback, but I will keep dealing with that thought for a while.

I was already not logging in as much due to adjustment, playing a little less to self-care as a whole is something I am going to need to do. I know I put a lot of hours into the game when COVID-19 started.

For everyone who sent me messages here or privately, thank you. I really was in tears reading each one because I really did not think I deserved any of it. I was and still am a bit of a mess. Especially seeing the messages I saw today. There has been people reaching out who I did not expect to reach out, and did so. It means more than anyone might realize, even if I am constantly fighting. Do not think it is in vain. It really helps.

Thank you again. And please be safe and healthy, and kind to yourselves (easier said than done, I know).

Best wishes,
Arya

[hyrulee]

I'm glad to hear that you're getting help, Arya. I hope you know with this forum thread and everyone's posts that you're appreciated, even if you don't feel like you are. Take as much time as you need, RL should always come first. Especially your own health and happiness. If you ever need anything I hope you know you can reach out for sure. <3

[bknuckles]

We don't really know each other, but I am glad you're seeing a therapist. Always something I've wanted to do, but due to finances and other factors, haven't been able to.

Hope you feel better!